


Maybe You're a Boy

by theliteraltrash



Series: Trans Richie Tozier [1]
Category: IT (2017)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Richie Tozier-centric, Trans Male Character, Trans Richie Tozier, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 20:29:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12733764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theliteraltrash/pseuds/theliteraltrash
Summary: Richie Tozier goes through a lot of self discovery.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this basically was just me venting. richie's experience with dysphoria is based on my own. please don't mock the fact that i rarely take showers. i know its gross i just can't bare to look at my body. also let me know if i should write more trans richie. also this is my first time writing for It.

Richie and Stan have been best friends since kindergarten. They knew each other before the losers. They were in fifth grade when Richie told Stan that he felt weird… different. He wasn’t a girl. He didn’t know what to do. Stan grabbed his hand. “Maybe you’re a boy,” he stated. Richie felt hot tears forming in his eyes. His mom was gonna be so mad at him. She was so happy she had a daughter. Stan placed his other hand on Richie’s shoulder. “It’s okay… Hey, do you want a new name?”

 

Richie felt a pang of joy in his chest. “Yeah… Yeah… Can you help me?” he asked. Stan smiled at his best friend. 

 

After a lot of talking, and interruptions from Richie’s jokes, they finally had a name. Richie Tozier was his name now, and he liked it. Entering junior high, they met two other boys. These boys didn’t know about Richie and his… differences. To Eddie and Bill, Richie was just a boy that talked a lot and had no filter. He made jokes about fucking Eddie’s mom, and having a long dick. Eddie reacted in disgust, Stan rolled his eyes, and Bill would smile and shake his head. 

 

They were 13 when they met Beverly, Ben, and Mike. When Richie noticed the breasts on the girls in his class, he had a reaction of fear and excitement, fear that one day he could grow them, and excitement that the girls were getting mature. He tried to keep his eyes off Beverly but she was gorgeous and the only girl he had actually held a conversation with.

 

He didn’t know why but he had the same issue with Eddie. He couldn’t stop looking at him. Eddie sat in front of him in class and he found himself staring at the smaller boy when he got comfortable with a lesson. He would pass notes to Eddie when he wanted to make a joke but knew he had to keep his mouth shut or he’d get suspended due to too many detentions. Eddie would read the notes, scoff quietly, and then not write one back. 

 

One day the teacher saw Richie pass a note after Eddie read it. She asked him to read it aloud. So Richie grabbed the note, Eddie’s eye were wide. “Miss please, don’t make him read it-”

 

Richie stood up, knowing he would be asked to leave. “If I were endoplasmic reticulum, how would your mom want me? Smooth or rough?”

 

He heard Eddie start to wheeze as some classmates giggled. The teacher crossed her arms and gave him a disappointed look. “Tozier, do you want me to have to call your mother?”

 

Richie knew his mother wouldn’t care, but his dad would. So he sat down. “No, ma’am.”

 

“Then keep your comments to yourself or I will call her the next time I catch you passing notes in my class.”

 

That day, the losers went to the arcade. While they were there, Richie started feeling an immense pain in his lower abdomen. He didn’t know what it could be, but once the others noticed, Eddie started panicking. “Oh my god, what if it’s a stomach tumor?”

 

Richie grimaced and placed his hand where the pain was. “Guys can we go?” 

 

“Y-yeah, s-s-sure thing R-Richie,” Bill supported one of Richie’s sides and Stan supported the other. 

 

They all left the arcade. Beverly was behind them. Eddie walked on the other side of Bill, while Ben walked on the other side of Stan. Mike walked in front of them, leading the way. Richie didn’t know where they were going, but he felt safe. The group made him feel safe, despite the pain. 

 

Richie jolted when he felt Beverly touch him. “Hey guys, I’m gonna take Richie from you.”

 

Bill let go of him and looked at her. They all stopped. Stan didn’t let go of Richie, but he looked at Beverly. “Why?” he asked.

 

“Uh I noticed something and I know what to do. You guys stay here. I’m taking Richie,” Beverly didn’t let Richie turn around. He was getting scared.

 

Stan looked her in the eyes. “Then take me with you.”

 

“Do as the lady asked. C’mon Stan the Man, let’s do as she says,” he needed Stan to support him. He didn’t care what beverly had to say, Stan was coming.

 

Beverly grabbed Richie’s hips and stayed behind him. “Listen to everything I say,” she stated.

 

Stan helped him walk as Beverly gave directions. They ended up in the Pharmacy’s family bathroom. “Why are we here?” Stan asked. Richie sat on the floor.

 

“Richie is uh…  _ bleeding _ ,” Beverly kept her eyes on Richie.

 

Richie’s eyes widened. “What? This can’t be happening.”

 

Stan crouched down, looking him in the eyes. “Dude, you had to have known this was coming-”

 

“I’m a  _ boy! _ This can’t be happening! This doesn’t happen to boys!” Richie was crying. He was sobbing. This was the worst day of his life.

 

When everything was taken care of, Beverly told Richie he should tie a jacket around his waist. Richie wasn’t wearing a jacket, he said it wasn’t cold enough yet. Stan told him he was insane. Beverly agreed with Stan. She wasn’t wearing a jacket though, her arms were covered by her shirts long sleeves.

 

When they caught up with the rest of the losers, no one commented on how Stan’s sweater was around Richie’s waist. No one mentioned how Richie obviously had been crying. “Everything has been taken care of,” Stan stated, obviously chilly in the cool November air. 

 

“He isn’t sick?” Eddie asked, concern obvious in his voice.

 

Bev smiled. “He’ll be fine. The pain will go away in a few days,” she met Richie’s eyes.

 

No one asked what happened. Richie started wearing dark colored pants for a week every month, and no one said anything. He started wearing bigger shirts soon after. Since it was fall he also wore big hoodies. He stopped looking in the mirror when he went into the bathroom. He couldn’t look at himself. He stopped taking showers as frequently as he used to. If he looked at his body, he would probably hurt himself.

 

When he was with the losers, he noticed that Eddie stopped sitting as close, stopped standing as close. He wondered if maybe he found out somehow. The thought caused his stomach to turn and his breathing to get heavy. He caught himself staring at Eddie from across the group. He wasn't listening to what they were talking about. Eddie was smiling and joining the conversation. He felt a pang of jealousy as he watched Bill and Eddie laughing and chatting. He didn't care that Stan was also taking part in the conversation. Stan was sitting next to him, but Eddie was so far away. Eddie had never been that far away unless something was keeping them apart.

 

Bev tapped Richie on the shoulder. He looked at her. She handed him a cigarette and her lighter. He put the cigarette between his lips and lit the tip. As he inhaled he knew that this wouldn't make Eddie want to come closer. He hated the smell of cigarettes, saying it could possibly trigger his asthma.

 

He exhaled and looked at Eddie again. This time he was greeted with the sight of Stan’s face in front of his. Richie offered him the cigarette and he declined. So, Richie took another drag of it.

 

When they were riding their bikes home, Richie and Eddie were the last ones left. “Can we stop real quick?” he asked, glancing at Eddie.

 

Eddie slowed to a stop and Richie did the same. “What?” Eddie raised his eyebrows as he asked the question.

 

“Why were you avoiding me all day?” Richie asked him.

 

Eddie looked him in the eyes. “You want the truth?”

 

Richie was terrified. “No, I want you to lie,” his voice dripped sarcasm. “Yes, I want the truth.”

 

Eddie looked at the concrete. He whispered so quietly that Richie couldn't hear him.

 

“What? It sounded like you were talking to a mouse,” Richie stated.

 

Eddie looked at him this time. “You smell disgusting. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the cigarette smoke is an improvement.”

 

Richie wasn't expecting that. “What?”

 

“When was the last time you showered, Richie? Something I noticed during puberty is that sweat starts to stink worse that before. You, my friend, are in need of some soap,” Eddie continued riding his bike home. Richie just stared, watching him. 

 

As soon as Richie got home he got in the shower, not even turning the lights on. He couldn't look at himself. One thing he was thankful for was how awful his vision was. Even that couldn't make the experience better, though.

 

After several weeks of showering every other day with the lights off and his eyes closed, he noticed Eddie getting closer. He started sitting next to him again. Richie didn't know why he was so happy about it. He just knew that the only reason he showered was because Eddie would get closer to him after each time. 

 

Summer rolled around and Richie realized he couldn't keep wearing hoodies. After school let out, he invited Bev over to have a sleepover. His parents didn't seem to notice that another child was in the house. Bev was relieved to be ignored by Richie’s father. It was about midnight when Richie started talking seriously. “How can I hide my chest now?” he asked her, looking her directly in the eyes.

 

Bev glanced down at the offending items. She then looked him in the eyes. “We can go to the thrift shop and get this special type of bra that flattens chests. I saw some last time I went and a lady working there said the elderly woman who brought them in said they were from the 20s. She said they had them for a while and weren't selling. We could get you one.”

 

They did. Richie didn't like the way it looked. It was very lacey, with flower patterns. However, it did its job. His chest looked flatter. He hugged Bev longer than he had ever hugged her before. He was so happy that he could go back to dressing the way he wanted to. He wore Hawaiian shirts and T shirts with no problem.

 

Things went on as usual. They had a fun summer, Richie was free to do what he wanted and didn't have to worry about his chest. The only difference was that he swam with his shirt on. He always wore a black shirt when they went swimming. Light colors would have shown the bandeau. He couldn't let that be seen. The only people that knew he had it were Bev and Stan.

 

Stan found out about the bandeau while they had a sleepover. They were so comfortable around each other they changed their clothes in the same room with no issue. Stan didn't say anything about the bandeau, he just looked at it then looked away. Richie couldn't have been more thankful that he ignored it.

 

Richie was glad that no one asked why he swam with his shirt on. They seemed to ignore it. They probably thought he was self conscious. He sort of was but for a different reason than they probably thought.

 

Summer went by quickly, and then they were in high school. Richie didn't know why but that summer he seemed to just shoot up like and tree. It was slow and he didn't really notice until he put on a pair of pants for school. They became capri’s. He shouldn't have ignored how short his shorts were becoming. Now he was tall and lanky. He was lucky his aunts were so tall. Now he looked like the other boys, just with narrower shoulders and and rounder face.

 

Richie didn't seem to notice how close Bev and Ben had gotten, until they were kissing in the hallway between classes. They sat next to each other during lunch and they held hands all the time.

 

Mike had finally switched to public school. He joined the football team and had cheerleaders falling for him. The losers watched his practices. Eddie grimaced each time someone crashed into another person or into the ground. 

 

Richie found himself staring at the players, not actually watching them play. He had the same problem when the cheerleaders would also be there. He silently wondered what that meant. When he would look at his friends, he noticed Stan also staring at the players, the same way Richie did. One thing he did notice was that Stan didn't even look at the cheerleaders. This made Richie feel less alone, but still confused.

 

He was in science class, the one class he didn't have with any of his friends, when he met Josh. Josh was nice, short, and quiet. He had short brown hair and captivating brown eyes. They were frequently paired together in class and they had to work on a project together.

 

They sat on Richie's bed, their books in their backpacks, having forgotten about the assignment. “So I stood up and read the note out loud, in front of the whole fucking class.”

 

“What did it say?” Josh asked, looking Richie in the eyes.

 

Richie recited the infamous endoplasmic reticulum joke from memory. Josh gasped and laughed. He gave a quiet screech and Richie started laughing along with him. “Didn't get in any trouble at all, either. Just a warning not to do it again.”

 

“I can't stop thinking about that fucking joke you told me. The vector one,” Josh replied.

 

Richie felt a smirk spread across his face. “Everyone knows it's not the size of the vector that matters, but the way the force is applied,” he said in a British accent. He didn't know why he chose that one. At least he didn't know until Josh laughed even harder. Richie remembered the work they had to do and grabbed his bag. 

 

When they got the grade back, Richie was ecstatic to see it was an A. He started hanging out with Josh more. On Wednesdays, Richie would sit with Josh at lunch. He wouldn't take him to the losers. They would sit alone together. They would talk and laugh and share food. Richie didn't know why he didn't want Josh to meet the losers. It was a weird primal instinct. He didn't like to think about it much.

 

Richie invited Josh to a sleepover, and he accepted. He didn't tell the losers what he was doing. Richie didn't exactly know what he was doing. He sat on his bedroom floor with Josh. They were eating candy that Josh had brought over, and talking.

 

“What’s your favorite eye color?” Josh asked him.

 

Richie didn't have to think before he answered. “Brown.”

 

Josh nodded, looking Richie in the eyes. “Are you just saying that because you have brown eyes?”

 

Richie snorted. “Why yes I enjoy staring at my eyes in the reflection. I do it all the time.” Josh scoffed. “Nah, I just think they look nice…” he paused a bit lost in Josh’s eyes. “Especially when the person also has brown hair.”

 

Josh’s face tinted pink a bit. He glanced at Richie’s lips, then back at Richie’s eyes. “Yeah and I have a soft spot for a funny guy with glasses,” he smiled.

 

Richie felt himself leaning closer to Josh. He couldn't stop himself before his lips landed on Josh’s. Before he could move away, Josh placed his hand in Richie’s tangled, curly, mop of hair. He deepened the kiss and Richie realized that this was his first kiss. His first kiss was with a boy.

 

The next day, after Josh went home, Richie met up with the losers. They were at the quarry already. He got off his bike and let it fall to the ground as he ran to them. He slid onto his knees, covering his pants in dirt. “Guys guess what.”

 

“You got a new sense of humor?” Stan asked.

 

“Ask your mother,” Richie instinctively bit back. “I had my first kiss last night.”

 

He couldn't contain his excitement. He didn't look at Eddie. “Who was it with?” Mike asked.

 

“It was with uh,” he licked his lips, his chest suddenly getting tight. “You don't know who it was.”

 

Stan scoffed. “Tell us.”

 

“Uh it was… promise you won't like beat the shit out of me-”

 

“I will if you say it was my mom,” Eddie stated.

 

“It was this kid Josh, from my science class,” Richie finally replied.

 

The losers were silent and Richie wished the ground could swallow him. He couldn't look at any of them. “The guy you've been hanging out with?” Bev asked.

 

Richie finally looked at her and nodded. “Uh… yeah.”

 

“How was it?” Stan asked.

 

Richie was relieved. No one said anything hateful yet. “It was… good. It was great, actually.”

 

“C-cool,” Bill smiled.

 

“Yeah,” Ben assured.

 

Richie looked at Eddie, who just gave a small smile. Richie wasn't sure what it meant. “I'm not gay though. I still like girls. I just also like boys.”

 

“Oh okay,” Eddie finally said something.

 

The next time Richie had lunch with Josh, he saw Eddie staring at them. He didn't look angry, but he definitely didn't look happy. He couldn't describe the look on Eddie’s face. He decided to ask him about it later. For now, he kept talking to Josh. They keep looking at each other's lips, remembering the kiss. They were sure not to be affectionate in public. 

 

After lunch, Richie had a class with Stan. They sat beside each other, and passed notes. They made sure that the teacher never saw the exchange. They also sat in the back so it was easier to get away with it. That was something Richie learned in middle school.

 

His final class was with Eddie. They sat side by side and passed notes. Today, Eddie seemed more on edge than any other day. He took longer to read the notes and he took even longer took reply.

 

When the bell rang, Eddie quickly got up and put his stuff in his backpack. Richie hurried to do the same. He rushed to follow him out the door. “Eddie wait up,” he said, jogging to follow him.

 

Eddie stopped and looked at him. “Can you come over tonight? When you know my mom’s asleep.”

 

Richie nodded. “Yeah sure.”

 

He didn't know what this could be about. Eddie rarely asks Richie to sneak into his house. While he was busy thinking about that, Eddie disappeared, and was replaced with Josh. “Wanna hang out?” he asked.

 

Richie couldn't say no, so he found himself in Josh’s bedroom. They were on his bed and they were kissing. This kiss was far different from the kiss before. This time, there was tongue. Richie couldn't stop himself from putting his hand under Josh’s shirt. He felt his soft skin. Before he could do anything, Josh had his hand under Richie’s shirt. First on his lower back, then rising, getting impossibly close to Richie’s bandeau. Before he could finish that thought, Josh froze, his hand on said item. Richie separated their lips. “Are you… wearing a bra?” Josh asked, his voice quiet.

 

Richie couldn't say anything. He just stared at the wall behind Josh. He didn't move. He couldn't. He was frozen and his image of perfection was shattered.

 

Josh kicked him out, saying he was gay and that he couldn't date a girl. Richie shouted that he was a boy. He screamed it, as tears streamed down his face. Josh pushed him, and he landed on his ass. “Get out of my face you fucking tranny.”

 

Richie stood up, looked Josh in the eyes, and spit directly in his face. As Josh wiped his face in disgust, Richie was already on his bike, riding to Stan's house. He saw Stan and Bill’s bikes standing side by side. No cars were in the driveway. He kicked the kickstand on his bike and parked it beside Stan's. He banged his fist against the door. As he waited, he didn't bother composing himself.

 

When Stan opened the door, Richie grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug. “Say I'm a boy…” Stan seemed to be frozen in confusion. “Say it! Stan PLEASE! He sobbed.”

 

“Richie Tozier is the most manliest man I have ever met and he's my best friend in the whole world,” Stan gently rubbed Richie’s back as he repeated the sentence like a mantra. Bill stood a few feet away, staring in confusion.

 

Eventually Richie calmed down, shutting the door. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” he never apologized.

 

“It's okay,” Stan assured him. “What happened?” he asked.

 

Richie didn't care that Bill was there. “Josh broke up with me, saying that he's gay and he can't date a tranny.”

 

Stan looked like he was capable of murder the instant the word fell out of Richie’s mouth. “Did you kick his ass?”

 

“I spit in his face.”

 

He stayed with Stan and Bill until he knew it was time to go to Eddie's house. He got on his bike and left, not even thinking about Josh. He was too busy wondering what Eddie wanted to talk about. 

 

He rode into the back yard, and climbed in through Eddie’s already open window. Eddie was sitting on his bed, waiting. “What's up, Eddie Spaghetti?” 

 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “I need to ask you something.”

 

Richie sat next to him. “Shoot,” he nodded.

 

“How did you know… that you liked boys?” he asked.

 

Richie shrugged. “I noticed the football players gave me the same tingles as when I got a glimpse up a cheerleader's skirt.”

 

“I think I might… have the gay,” Eddie wasn't looking at him.

 

Richie didn't know why he said it like that. “You think you might be gay,” he reiterated.

 

Eddie nodded. “My mom says it's a disease. Richie I don't wanna be sick. I can't be sick.”

 

“It’s not a disease, Eds. Your mom can suck my dick,” Richie got Eddie to look him in the eyes. “Promise me you'll try to remember that.”

 

Eddie looked him in the eyes. “I'll try. Do you think you can help me?”

 

Richie nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

 

Richie grabbed Eddie’s hand. He stared into Eddie's eyes. For a minute he forgot what they were talking about. He forgot where they were. He just saw Eddie. Due to his lack of impulse control, he found himself crashing his lips against Eddie’s.

 

Eddie didn't move for a few seconds. He didn't kiss back before he moved his face. “Richie, what about your boyfriend?”

 

“We broke up.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie is going through some changes.

Richie and Eddie were dating, but Richie still hadn’t told him that he’s trans. The only people that knew now are Stan, Bev, and Bill. He didn’t even mean to come out to Bill he just had to tell Stan what Josh did. Bill knew not to tell anyone, which was good. Richie was glad that he hadn’t treated him any differently. 

 

One thing that Richie was shocked about was that Josh hadn’t outted him. He did avoid him like the plague, not sitting next to him and asked the teacher to no longer pair them together. Josh still had this information that he could hold over Richie’s head, but he didn’t. Richie didn’t know how to feel about that. He knew that Josh was a shitty person because of how their relationship ended, but he couldn’t be  _ that _ bad because he hadn’t told anyone.

 

While riding his bike to the quarry with the losers, Richie saw Josh and his family packing their stuff into a van. He felt a large sense of relief when he realized they were moving away. He felt a smile spread on his face and he sped on his bike. He got in front of the losers, now leading them. It was freeing, and when they got to the quarry he didn’t even bother with the loogie competition. He took his shorts and button up off, putting his glasses on top of the close, and took a running start. He jumped off the cliff, joyously hollering on his way down.

 

That was the first time he had gotten in the water since getting his bandeaux. He was wearing a T shirt over it and he hoped that no one could see it. Before he could shout at the other losers to join him, Bev was already on her way down. Soon all the losers were in the water. They played a game of marco polo, and Richie was having more fun than he had since his break up with Josh. With the boy moving away, Richie no longer had to worry about Josh dropping that bomb on everyone.

 

After they finished swimming, they all went to the top of the quarry allowing the sun to dry them off. Richie laid between Eddie and Stan. His eyes were closed and he felt the warm sun rays on his skin. He smiled as he felt Eddie grab his hand. He was about to look at his boyfriend when Stan’s voice shocked him. 

 

“Can I talk to you alone later?” he whispered. Richie opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Stan, who was squinting at him. 

 

Their faces were closer than they had been in a while. “Sure,” Richie nodded.

 

Stan nodded and closed his eyes, turning his face up to look at the sky. “It’s nothing bad I promise, just private.”

 

“Sure thing Stan the man. If this is about me fucking your mom I’ll be sure to let you know next time,” Richie was nervous. He didn’t know what Stan was planning but he knew it had to do with his… differences. So, as he usually did, he made it a shitty joke. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and faced at the sky.

 

“God Rich, you’re so gross,” Eddie grumbled, lightly squeezing Richie’s hand. Richie heard the smile in his voice, and he laughed. 

 

After they got dry, they all sat up. “So…” Mike smiled at Eddie and Richie. They were still holding hands. “Y’all got something to tell us?” Mike was like a ray of sunshine.

 

Richie looked at Eddie, a smile on his face. Eddie was blushing furiously. “I don’t know. Eds should we tell them?”

 

Eddie looked at him. “Okay. Yeah.”

 

“I’m banging his mom,” Richie couldn’t help himself. “Eds got himself a new daddy.”

 

Eddie let go of Richie’s hand, and thumped him on the back of his head. “Beep beep Richie.”

 

Richie laughed. “Nah. We’re like… together I guess.”

 

“You guess?” Mike was still beaming. He was obviously happy for them. 

 

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. 

 

After an hour or so of talking, the rest of the losers congratulating them after Mike, they all decided it was time to go home. Eddie asked if Richie wanted to spend the night, but Richie had to turn him down. He had to know what Stan wanted to talk about. Eddie didn’t know why it was so important to Richie. Richie shrugged as he and Stan separated from the group.

 

Stan put his arm around Richie’s shoulder as they walked their bikes to Richie’s house. “I got something important that I found out.”

 

“Spit it out Stanley,” Richie was shaking, his nerves were killing him. He would have pulled out a cigarette but he knew Stan wouldn’t have liked it.

 

“There’s a way for you to go through the correct puberty. We just have to convince your parents,” Stan stated. He smiled at Richie.

 

Richie scoffed. “Is there a way for me to steal whatever it is? My mom would never let me do that. She cried when I told her.”

 

“Yeah I know, but your dad would probably let you,” Stan raised his eyebrows. 

 

Richie shrugged. “Still think it would be easier to steal it.”

 

Stan rolled his eyes. “Richie this is important medical stuff, you need to actually get a prescription for it.”

 

“Fine, but only because you’re sounding like Eddie and that’s a major turn on.”

 

“Beep beep Richie.”

 

Stan spent the night at Richie’s house. They had cornered Wentworth when he got home. It took an intense conversation, ending in Richie crying, for Went to agree to take him to a psychiatrist. Stan was the one to really convince him. He explained that there was a legit medical way to help Richie. He explained that Went didn’t need to worry about Richie regretting it because “Richie is the most masculine guy I know.”

 

Richie knew he wasn’t as masculine as Mike but he was happy to hear Stan say that. Especially because it made Went realize that it wasn’t a phase. Richie really is a boy and he needs this. He finally could be like the other boys.

 

When Richie was finally able to see the psychiatrist, his mother wasn’t too happy. Maggie cried again, saying she was losing her daughter. Wentworth sighed and said that Richie was their son. Richie cried tears of joy, finally hearing his father address him as who he really was. He never really was their daughter, because he was their son. That day he was diagnosed with gender identity disorder.

 

Richie was 15, the year was 1990, and Richie was finally starting testosterone. After his first shot, he cried. He felt this large wave of relief wash over him. Finally. Fucking finally he would be like the other boys. His voice would drop and his periods would stop. He knew he wouldn’t get taller than he was going to be anyways, but that was okay because he was already tall. 

 

He was a lot happier the more shots he had. The more shots he had, the more he changed. The more he changed the easier it was for strangers to know he was a boy. As he started to change, people stopped pointed out his feminine features, because they were going away. Eddie would complement the changes, and Richie was elated. 

 

Richie was in study hall with Ben and Mike one day, his leg bouncing as he pretended to read a textbook. He had already done his homework so he had nothing to do. The other boys were also reading, probably doing history homework. Richie heard one of them say his name and he looked at them. They were both looking at him, probably wanting to have a conversation.

 

“What?” his voice cracked as he asked.

 

Mike snorted and Richie rolled his eyes. “You’re shaking the table bro.”

 

Richie furrowed his brows. “Is that it?”

 

Ben shrugged. “Do you want to spend the night at Mike’s tonight?”

 

“Yeah but I gotta do something first,” Richie couldn’t tell them what he was doing. He was getting his testosterone refill. “Anyone else gonna be there?”

 

“Yeah, you were the last one we had to ask. What are you doing tonight?” Mike replied.

 

Richie cleared his throat. “Got a doctor thing I gotta do. Get a shot and shit.”

 

Ben squinted. “You’ve been getting shots like once a week for months now. Everyone’s been worried. Eddie freaks out everytime you say you get one.”

 

“Everything is fine. I’m surprised Eds hasn’t confronted me,” Richie really doesn’t know what to say. He can’t out himself in front of everyone.

 

“We’ve been keeping him from screaming at you,” Mike assured him.

 

“Thanks man.”

 

He was about an hour and a half late to the sleepover. When he arrived, everyone was in Mike's room, watching The Parent Trap. Richie sat on the floor between Bev and Eddie. Ben sat on Bev’s other side while Mike, Bill, and Stan were on Mike’s bed. Eddie put his hand on Richie’s thigh, causing Richie to wince.

 

Eddie gave him a concerned look. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, just got a shot there,” Richie gave him a gentle peck on the lips.

 

That didn’t ease Eddie’s concern. “Is something wrong? How many shots have you had in the past few months? It’s like my mom is in charge of you.”

 

“I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong. You really don’t have to worry, dear,” Richie smiled.

 

“Eddie stop pressing,” Stan stated.

 

Eddie glared at him. “If your boyfriend got a shot every week, wouldn’t you be concerned to?” he turned back to Richie. “Rich are you dying? Do you have cancer?”

 

Bev laughed. “Eddie he’s fine.”

 

Eddie turned to Bev. “He obviously isn’t considering he’s getting shots  _ every week _ .”

 

“Eddie just drop it! I don’t want to talk about it!” Richie stood up. 

 

Eddie gave him a guilty look. “Sorry, I’m just worried.”

 

Richie didn’t know what was happening now. “Fine if you really wanna know-”

 

“Richie, are you sure?” Stan interrupted.

 

Richie shot him a glare. “I’m trans! The shots are testosterone. I’m not dying. I’m transitioning.”

 

Eddie stood up. “Rich-”

 

“If you wanna break up, fine I don’t fucking blame you. Josh made it clear that someone like me can’t be loved.”

 

“Rich-” this time it was Mike who spoke.

 

“If you all hate me now, fine, whatever,” Richie was rambling. He couldn’t let them talk and make his worries reality.

 

“Rich!” Bev got his attention. 

 

Richie looked at her, letting out a deep breath. He didn’t realize he was crying until he finally stopped talking. “Please.”

 

He felt Eddie grab his hand. He turned to him. “Rich, I don’t hate you. You’re worthy of love. Rich… I love you.”

 

“I love you too, spaghetti,” Richie smiled, kissing Eddie. They stopped kissing and held each other. Richie felt the others join the hug. Richie let out a sob as his six friends held him. Each of them whispered assurances to Richie. They each said they loved him. Richie cried even harder, saying he loved them. 

 

He was loved. Nothing else mattered. His friends cared about him no matter what. They didn’t care and they didn’t think any less of him. He was still a loser. They were losers together and they loved each other. Some of them were in love with each other and that was fine. They didn’t let petty things get between them because they would get torn apart if they did. They would have no one else.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @theliteraltrash


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